Two lovely children... Can a woman yet be unfulfilled? A woman is idealised to be an epitome of patience, perseverance, love and all other good things. If I do not have any or none of these then Iam not a good natured woman...?! I sleep and wish to never wake up, never to see their faces again. I feel burdened to interact with them, their hypocritical preachings are like a bad piece of music I can't shut off. These years of marriage have made me into someone I have never even thought of being.
I had long given up of his parents. His mother talking to me with her sweetness... Oh have I fallen into her trap so often. Yet I do not learn her tricks. There have been days I've not wanted to get out of bed after a whole night of crying. And yet I have dragged myself up to the call of duties.
This time I really wish I could turn back time to the time I wasn't married. I wasn't bound in chains and shackled. All this time I believed he would do something and be my rescuer. I stand here as the glass shatters on me, hurting me in a million places, bleeding me and yet my tears are colorless. There are so many different ways of breaking trust in someone. And this is one painless pain I suffer. I know I cannot run anywhere, I cannot let go. I want to. I wish my head just implodes. My tears would not stop. The hurt is so confusing. I cannot pick on one thing. And he sits there thinking that he is the one hurt by my words. Actions hurt more than words! Surrounded by people, I want to run as far away as possible. I can't let my angels hurt. I put them through my suffering too. Why? I ask myself. I cannot leave them. This house feels like a bomb ready to explode on me. It has, so many times. And each time I break into a million pieces and God puts me together again and again as if to make me up for the next explosion. This time feels a little different though. I think The jigsaw has a few pieces missing. The pieces that gave me life. I find smiles on these two innocent pairs of lips. And I blame myself for birthing them and putting locks around their necks and mine. Why did I stay then when I had the chance to run free. Was I optimistic or was I a fool to hope for sunshine. In love, people give their lives up. What have I given? And in return am I asking to too much? When waiting for each other starts to feel like a stopped clock, the love in it turns to dust. 

It's been so long...

Its been so long I visited my own blog...now that I'm back I almost feel like welcoming myself! It's been so long since I've done so many things...been so long since I've been at home, been so long since I heard good music, since I had a dream or slept in peace or smiled for no reason or spent some time with myself without letting tears flow down my eyes....
Its been 8 months and 13 days since I got married... but even though it sounds quite long it feels like yesterday...or does it? For we have spent more than 3 months away from each other. The numbers pinch, more so because I have been chasing a job that I don't even know if I'm passionate about. There have been countless nights of sadness even as people expect all the love and happiness to be bestowed on the newly weds. I cry...sometimes without rhyme or reason...cry when I think how often I've cried...cry when words hurt, sometimes my own. For a girl who's never known the meaning of depression, it certainly feels strange to have been acquainted with the word so up-close. I see myself in the mirror and I wonder whether the dark circles around my eyes are fading away or becoming more prominent. I try to console myself giving hopeless reasons for the missing glow in my eyes.
I try to pray, try to meditate, try to control myself, my restlessness, my confusion, my unstable mind. I feel like giving up; no use as my efforts go in vain. Is it my own making or are there external disturbances? Where is my telepathy? Where is my God? Where is the passion? Where is my world of happiness? I sometimes feel like a weed growing without need. Will I be cut away or am I the twine someone is looking for? I think of how similar my life used to be with "Great Expectations". I was Pip and there was my Estella. I used to chase her. Sometimes it was the other way round. I felt like the beautiful monster, breaking my own heart.
Introspection seems scary. Have I transformed into this rude, psychotic, depressive maniac? Or was I always like this? I fear my own self. I dread my own words. My sentences were never autopsied before. I was never psycho-analysed this way. I don't realize when casualness becomes a casualty. Do I deserve to be treated the way I treat myself? Am I worth trusting my own self? Am I worth any love or even worth this life? I think my heart bleeds itself when I think of it.
Where would this palindromic spiral take me? Sometimes I think I need help. Is there someone who cares for me, relishes my existence, needs my presence, loves my being, who would resonate with my heart and free my mind?
Can a man love a woman just for the reason that she deserves it? Or will he measure his love according to her performance in his life and grade it as she relates to the members of his family? Everytime I listen to "Have you ever really loved a woman" my belief in the thought that if a man can write words of such intensity about a woman then there is a man who loves me beyond reasons, gains strength. Because when a woman marries a man, she marries the whole family and she does everything for the home without contemplating the returns. But is it not human to expect love, trust, passion and support from the one you love? Is it not fair that she gets her share?
Still searching for answers....


Then I tell myself that this is a phase...life itself is a phase, let it pass.

Old Diary- new updates?!

After almost 5 years I found my old diary...the one I used to write in when I came back from school...that saw me through college. Reading it again gave me goosebumps as it brought back emotions and scenes I had thought would be only remembered as inked-forgets. How much can you cling on to...how much can you choose to move away from? It was the only place I could be in...where I could pour out everything in me and be free. Period.
Now, I could almost instantly relate to my first ever words in the dairy, about the power of thought and the link between human minds that associate strangers and bring them together. It is so amazing!! The enigmatic link, the involuntary passion and the natural instinct that ignites your heart!
I have seen the twist of the mind...slided through it and glazed past it. As I read through, the memories about the characters in my life almost felt as fresh as yesterday. The fights, the laughs, the silly things we used to fuss about...wonderful times and low. The games of the mind that we used to play with such ease now seemed so difficult...as if the mind is no longer under control, no longer the same, no longer my own.
I felt like writing in it again. I started. But it felt nothing like what it used to be...the nostalgia is not desirable. Feels tasteless. Feels forgotten. What a contrast!
I thought of taking it with me to my new home but somehow it felt as if it didn't want to come with me. It didn't want to be moved from its old luxury. And so I left its old calm intact and left it behind. Someday I shall bring it along, when its ready to be taken....

As I fall asleep, visions of a secret garden come to me,
Fragrance of that distant flower still seems familiar,
Once near, now so far away, I wonder why,
I used to wear it upon my bosom,
Which opened to every ray of the sun.

I leave in haste, I wake myself up,
Tears seek a hiding behind my searching gaze,
I wait for that eternal blaze to dim,
To let my hair down again, to be that girl again,
I search for myself in this known land, yet so unknown.

Somewhere in the desert snow, buried deep,
There is a heart that still beats, a life that breathes,
My eyes mirror what my heart now seeks,
Sunsets take with them the hidden fortune,
Below the horizon of my conscience.

Recently I attended a lecture on the chemical industry. The speaker was from CPCB. And every example he pulled out from the 3 decades of chemistry behind him made my mind resonate. Shook the volumes of this amazing science in me awake. He made me realize....I Love Chemistry....and everything related to it. The core of chemistry runs through me like blood! Thats when I actually submitted to the fact that I should do something about it.

The raw instances from the then sleep- inducing lectures in college, fill me now with inexplicable ecstasy. I cannot form the right words to explain the madness we enjoyed while shaking those conical flasks with weird smelling substances, which were sometimes corrosive or noxious or even explosive, or when we used to wait upon an unknown solid to melt with them filled in capillaries glued to thermometers dipped in conc. sulphuric acid, just to know its mysterious identity, or the lab day when we created the stinky "boot-polish" ingredient beta-naphthol and innocently decided to put it in our bags, and how the stink came home with us for months to come! Not to talk of the silly high we used to feel when we correctly detected all the ions in our salt mixtures, the childish delight that took us over looking at the brilliance of colors that we could produce with our very own hands! What to say of the iridescent blue copper sulphate-ammonia crystals we gave life to in our beakers?!

Then I figured that I still know the named reactions....the sleepless nights I spent in understanding the mechanims behind free radical rxns....sleeping with 2 volumes of Finar (The Bible of chemistry) and Solomon's on my bed side... How i thought i'd flunk the organic chemistry exams and made farras to sail over it...but never really needed them as I could always leave out the named rxns in choice!

But I remember them now...

I burn in hell when I hear of class mates who have stayed patient to discover the science of it! The Jealousy serves as another driving force..Now I wonder whether I have done enough justice to myself by depriving my self of such pleasures as those I got with chemistry. I wish I could do somthing to go back to it....

Presentation...Will I ever Finish???

I have to start with my pptn. Its on 12th. I havent read anything to start

Looks like I have almost a week....But....given that sat and sun is off and im not working from home- I just have 4 days.
And take out tues as it has to be ready by then to show it for any edits- I have 3days

Then any interim work i'd have to do might take one day- so i have 2 days

And given that today half day is already gone-I have 1 and a half days

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

Then taking into account the time iam spending in chatting and blogging

I have only 1/2 day....PRAY FOR ME!!

I need a BREAK!!!

The feeling of wanting a break is not new to me. It was born with me i guess...

And not having got enough breaks till now, have now gradually transformed into mammoth proportions. The feeling raises its ugly head every now and then (not too often, just every day at the start of the day at work). As i leave home for work, there's an involuntary force that pulls m,e back. I fight it hard and step out to start my new day. As I enter office past 10, the battle seems to have been lost. I don't feel like working. Again. Today. One more day.

I need a BREAK!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Recently I found out I'm not alone. The feeling may be universally confined to our office space. But is still universal. The universe consists of Sugandh, Geetika, Ramya, Lavanya, and maybe even outside...(Pooja). Call it a social problem. The problem of work. The problem of working. The problem of having to work. The problem of being forced to work. See! It has many forms!!

So this social problem needs a revolutionary change. The change is beginning here. Right here. Right now!

One day. One break. One vacation. One month off from this rut. I wouldnt mind sitting all day, anywhere. Just to gossip. just to chat. just...doing nothing...at all.

What do i write about???

Draaaaagggg....thats what life's been for the past one week....I'm dragging myself along to office...dragging myself back home...Oh yea i was reading a book (which i just remembered), and i reached the last chapter. Right then i got the " i'll finish it later" mood. So thats lying around...idle...just like me...

Oh yea the "n" onn my keyboard is not working..i mean it works but it works too much...so i get extra "nn"s .Hope something happens and its starts workin less...just like me!

So much for writing my random thoughts...