It's been so long...

Its been so long I visited my own blog...now that I'm back I almost feel like welcoming myself! It's been so long since I've done so many things...been so long since I've been at home, been so long since I heard good music, since I had a dream or slept in peace or smiled for no reason or spent some time with myself without letting tears flow down my eyes....
Its been 8 months and 13 days since I got married... but even though it sounds quite long it feels like yesterday...or does it? For we have spent more than 3 months away from each other. The numbers pinch, more so because I have been chasing a job that I don't even know if I'm passionate about. There have been countless nights of sadness even as people expect all the love and happiness to be bestowed on the newly weds. I cry...sometimes without rhyme or reason...cry when I think how often I've cried...cry when words hurt, sometimes my own. For a girl who's never known the meaning of depression, it certainly feels strange to have been acquainted with the word so up-close. I see myself in the mirror and I wonder whether the dark circles around my eyes are fading away or becoming more prominent. I try to console myself giving hopeless reasons for the missing glow in my eyes.
I try to pray, try to meditate, try to control myself, my restlessness, my confusion, my unstable mind. I feel like giving up; no use as my efforts go in vain. Is it my own making or are there external disturbances? Where is my telepathy? Where is my God? Where is the passion? Where is my world of happiness? I sometimes feel like a weed growing without need. Will I be cut away or am I the twine someone is looking for? I think of how similar my life used to be with "Great Expectations". I was Pip and there was my Estella. I used to chase her. Sometimes it was the other way round. I felt like the beautiful monster, breaking my own heart.
Introspection seems scary. Have I transformed into this rude, psychotic, depressive maniac? Or was I always like this? I fear my own self. I dread my own words. My sentences were never autopsied before. I was never psycho-analysed this way. I don't realize when casualness becomes a casualty. Do I deserve to be treated the way I treat myself? Am I worth trusting my own self? Am I worth any love or even worth this life? I think my heart bleeds itself when I think of it.
Where would this palindromic spiral take me? Sometimes I think I need help. Is there someone who cares for me, relishes my existence, needs my presence, loves my being, who would resonate with my heart and free my mind?
Can a man love a woman just for the reason that she deserves it? Or will he measure his love according to her performance in his life and grade it as she relates to the members of his family? Everytime I listen to "Have you ever really loved a woman" my belief in the thought that if a man can write words of such intensity about a woman then there is a man who loves me beyond reasons, gains strength. Because when a woman marries a man, she marries the whole family and she does everything for the home without contemplating the returns. But is it not human to expect love, trust, passion and support from the one you love? Is it not fair that she gets her share?
Still searching for answers....


Then I tell myself that this is a phase...life itself is a phase, let it pass.