After almost 5 years I found my old diary...the one I used to write in when I came back from school...that saw me through college. Reading it again gave me goosebumps as it brought back emotions and scenes I had thought would be only remembered as inked-forgets. How much can you cling on to...how much can you choose to move away from? It was the only place I could be in...where I could pour out everything in me and be free. Period.
Now, I could almost instantly relate to my first ever words in the dairy, about the power of thought and the link between human minds that associate strangers and bring them together. It is so amazing!! The enigmatic link, the involuntary passion and the natural instinct that ignites your heart!
I have seen the twist of the mind...slided through it and glazed past it. As I read through, the memories about the characters in my life almost felt as fresh as yesterday. The fights, the laughs, the silly things we used to fuss about...wonderful times and low. The games of the mind that we used to play with such ease now seemed so difficult...as if the mind is no longer under control, no longer the same, no longer my own.
I felt like writing in it again. I started. But it felt nothing like what it used to be...the nostalgia is not desirable. Feels tasteless. Feels forgotten. What a contrast!
I thought of taking it with me to my new home but somehow it felt as if it didn't want to come with me. It didn't want to be moved from its old luxury. And so I left its old calm intact and left it behind. Someday I shall bring it along, when its ready to be taken....
As I fall asleep, visions of a secret garden come to me,
Fragrance of that distant flower still seems familiar,
Once near, now so far away, I wonder why,
I used to wear it upon my bosom,
Which opened to every ray of the sun.
I leave in haste, I wake myself up,
Tears seek a hiding behind my searching gaze,
I wait for that eternal blaze to dim,
To let my hair down again, to be that girl again,
I search for myself in this known land, yet so unknown.
Somewhere in the desert snow, buried deep,
There is a heart that still beats, a life that breathes,
My eyes mirror what my heart now seeks,
Sunsets take with them the hidden fortune,
Below the horizon of my conscience.
Saturday, February 7, 2009
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